Ways to Approach Your Partner about Relationship Doubts Express gratitude when your partner does something that makes you feel reassured without you. If you are seeking clarity about your relationship, the best source of insight is from within. You just need to be unafraid to ask for the answers you seek. Apr 27, Virtually every paired-up partner has doubts about their significant In fact, he believes that the real relationship doesn't begin until the first.
But you must—without freaking out, if possible. You might doubt the fact that the person you love loves you as much as they claim to. You might wonder if you can make it as a couple long-term. Especially in matters of the heart, none of us is all-knowing. Pangs of uncertainty can sprout up for no good reason, tickling your consciousness and begging for attention no matter how unjustified they may be.
On other occasions, your gut may respond to blatant signs of trouble, or to subtle but significant cues. However unpleasant the process may be, confronting uncertainty is the only way to return to a point of clarity.
Are Your Relationship Doubts Normal or Toxic?
You may have reason to doubt your relationship, and you may not. Or, you may have trust issues if your previous partner cheated. If you truly want to move on, you have to get past these issues, but a loving partner will be there for and with you. Do you fear upsetting them?
Do you know how to navigate conflict, or do you not trust each other enough to be vulnerable around each other? These are issues worth looking at, alone, or with a couples counselor. Doubts are often just garden-variety fears and anxieties. Try sorting out your doubts for yourself first, then talk to someone you truly trust, or even to a relationship coach.
Balance your doubts with an equal focus on what is working. Many of us have brains that are trained to focus on the negative. Try spending time each day thinking about five things that are going right with your relationship. Or keep a list you can review and add to about all the ways the relationship works and how your partner is just what you need.
And this is where toxicity comes in. They can be a sign you are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Red flag doubts sound like this: Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free If these doubts sound familiar, talk to someone you trust, a good friend, call a support hotline, or to talk to a counselor or coach who can help you understand what you are dealing with and what you need to do to be safe. Using the above article, you can look at your relationship and decide what your doubts might mean for your relationship and how to address them.
And trust your partner with your doubts.
It's not uncommon to feel you're in a gray zone, and a good therapist could help you get to the bottom of these feelings. What you do NOT want to do is either of the following: Decide that, screw it, it's not going to get better, you DO love each other, and get married.
Work through any problems you might have personally, or he might have, or the two of you might have as a couple before it comes to that. Some people get married in order to feel like they "completed the process", i. Then when it's done, and the reality sets in that you possibly married someone who is going to hold you back or frustrate you for life, you divorce, and honey, divorce SUCKS. Begin to act out in passive-aggressive ways. Don't disappear, say hurtful things, be self-destructive, or do anything that could be construed as sabotaging the relationship.
4 Ways to Overcome Doubt in a Relationship - wikiHow
Don't start a pattern of things that will force him to break up with you; it'll make you feel worse, even though technically he will be "the bad guy". It's not satisfying, and it could drag out over a long period of time, which leads to the kind of bitter breakup that you want to avoid at all costs. If you feel something is wrong, address it in a way you haven't tried yet. Sometimes taking this discussion to a counselor helps you hear each other in a way you can't do on your own, you know?
But do trust your gut, as others have said. You get one life. Only you can decide what's best for you. What has helped me have more peace of mind this time around, is realising that I don't have to make a definitive decision about where this relationship is going right now.
As micawber said, just because you love someone in the present, doesn't mean you have to stay together long term. Practicing mindfulness about the relationship has helped me to be less anxious and fight less with my current partner.
This means I have a clearer, more rational approach to thinking about whether I want to make future plans with him. Last time, by comparison, I really let these doubts take over.
My myriad resentments caused me to pick fights that I now see were really about creating excuses to be angry at him, so this could reinforce my secret feeling that I didn't want to be with him, etc At the moment I feel that the good in my present relationship vastly outweighs the bad. I also acknowledge that there may in the next year or two, be a time when the balance tips the other way, because I will be moving onto a different stage of my life then.
So in answer to your question, maybe just try to be patient and trust that if and when the time comes, those "nagging feelings" will reveal themselves to be stronger in favour of one course of action than another. Living with a certain amount of doubt and uncertainty is a pretty normal part of human existence really. Sometimes the hardest thing is just to wait and do nothing at all!
If you give yourself permission not to have to decide anything right at this moment, it might take the pressure off, and you find that you enjoy the time you have together more without having to put a time limit on it.
Hope this doesn't sound preachy by the way. I don't want to be insensitive, but that sounds like a typical functioning relationship.
If it's the same problem over and over, then that's certainly cause for concern, but the cycle you describe looks really healthy as I read it.
Maybe you could cut out the step where you avoid talking about it, and maybe whenever you feel like "oh no--doomed! Of course it's just frustrating that years into a strong and loving relationship, problems still come up, but it's natural and unless I'm reading your post wrong, you seem to have the right idea.
I think these are just part of being a normal person, rather than warning signs of imminent relationship collapse. Even Jimmy Carter admitted to having a roving eye and an active imagination.
- Read This If You’re Having Doubts About Your Relationship
What you want to address are more fundamental questions, like what ejaned8 says: Are you happier than you would be otherwise? Does your day get better or worse when you interact? Is your partner supportive of your goals and dreams, or not? The point being, you need to be honest with yourself about how you feel and how this person fits or doesn't fit in your life, rather than getting knotted up over small details.
Relationships should develop and move forward in ways good for both people; stagnation is bad. A lot but hardly all of heterosexual couples follow a very defined relationship script. We've all seen the movie, right?
Chatting leads to dating leads to humping leads to monogamy leads to cohabitation leads to engagement leads to marriage leads to kids and so on.
Now, real life is more complicated, and even if that is the platonic model for some people, their actual practice varies a lot. They have the kid, then get married. Or dating leads to humping leads to cheating leads to tears. But what matters is that there is a model in their head of how a relationship should progress, and in theory at least a relationship that doesn't progress can be worked on or discarded.
So, what is your model for how a relationship should progress? If you want marriage and 2. Or, if you model involves flying around the world and petting sea otters, what's the plan for making that happen? Doubt is normal and ok.
Commitment is really scary, and the future is unknown. It can feel a lot safer to break up because hey, in a year things could fall apart and then you'd be just as unhappy, right? And conversely, it can be easy to stay on when you shouldn't, because at least you have something.
Are Your Relationship Doubts Normal or Toxic? - The Good Men Project
But if you check where things are now -- the way they really are, not the way the movie version of your life will portray them -- against your vision of how your relationship should be developing, that will probably tell you something.
Personally, I have doubts every day. And if things don't work out, I'll be devastated. But this relationship makes my life so much better, every day, in big things and small, that I'd be not just foolish but outright stupid to end it because of my doubts and fears.
Don't ignore or suppress your doubts -- confront them directly, and use them to take an honest look at your life and make sure it is one that you can be proud of. I'm not talking little pet peeves, because you can work on those. But if either one of you feels devalued, like your point is falling on deaf ears, there's your real problem.
For all you know, that couple might usually be at each other's throats. You saw them at their best behavior, in a public forum. You're falling into the "it should be just like in the movies" trap.